Suburban Fourth of July

I like the city I live in, I really do. I do not, however, want to live here my whole life.

Sometimes I just feel like I can't express how I feel or say what I think without being looked down upon. Like I'm constantly being graded on my opinions, and they just aren't good enough or my reasoning should some how be twisted into something else more logical. I find myself just kind of agreeing just so that I don't have to feel less than ok. And this is partly my fault, I know.

I try to live up to standards that other people have set, and it feels like I am jumping through hoops of fire and everytime I end up burned.

I miss hanging out with friends and you rant or say something and they don't tell you that you are being ridiculous. They say what they think about the situation, and through conversation you can come to the conclusion that you are being ridiculous without having someone tell you that you are.

I'm so frustrated that everything I say to a certain person is shrugged off and ignored as if what I said was just a bunch of lies hurtled her way. As if I say it so that God will think that I am trying and so that I can sleep better at night. Sometimes I wish that I had never met her, so that I wouldn't feel this pain, but then I remember, God's got a reason for this relationship. It's not that I don't love her, because I do, I really do-- and that's why it hurts so much.