well put me in a book and call me paper

let me show you the way.

so i've been dealing with lots lately. mostly things that need to change with myself. things that i shouldn't be feeling, but i do.

for instance...i am a jealous person. i hate that about myself. right now, i've just been realizing how bad it really is. so when i find myself thinking about other people and things like that, i just have to pray about it. i mean, jealousy is not something that could ever come in handy... honestly.

i'm way too self-conscience. that sucks. i find myself over analyzing everything, and not really living up to my full potential, and it just kills me. i'm tired of it. i'm ready to let go.

i'm comming slowly but surely to the realization that the world doesn't revolve around me and i cannot do it by myself and i cannot fix anything but me. i always say that i believe Jesus is in control, and i fully believe that, but it's about time i start living that way, not just saying it. i just have to sit back and let Jesus hold the flashlight because i'm pointing it in all the wrong directions, and i can't find my way out of the woods.

i love it when i realize that humility is the only way. i love to be humbled. it shoves me back into my place with no mercy, but a lot of grace saying, "you. what are you doing? why are you worrying about this? why do you feel like that? you'll get it the next time." it's one of the most awesome feelings.

God's put missions on my heart. not for just the places we go or the things we get to do, but rather, the people we meet. i want to tell people about Jesus, but in order for me to be effective, i'm going to have to sit down with myself and God and figure out exactly what i am doing wrong. i'm going to have to set a time and place for my quiet time. i'm going to have to sit down and read the Bible. i'm going to have to share what i am going through. i can't just keep it bottled up expecting people to know what i am ealing with or just leading the to think that everything is perfect in my life. it's not.

i could give you a detailed list of what's wrong with me, but i won't because i know God has already forgiven me. it's me that has to forgive myself. God doesn't have any problem forgiving. i'm the one who has a hard time letting things go. it feels like it just shouldn't be that easy...but it is. and that's so hard to comprehend.

God's put a place in my heart that i really want to serve missions. i love the people and i feel like it would be on of the best opportunities. i mean, i've been there...but i want to keep going back. and i want to live there. and i want to go to college there. no one understands. they think it's for childish reasons, but i think it's where God is calling me. it's where he wants me to be and is using people (because i am all about the relationships) to make me realize that could quite possibly be his plan for me. he's given me the heart for something that could easily be my job in this place. but i won't know for sure until me and him have quite a few one-on-ones.

i'm thankful that i have opportunities to unblind me from my character flaws. just slap some mud on my eyes and call me healed. actually, it's a lot like michael's game of schlap (which i will explain later...like tomorrow). i'm having a conversation with God and all of a sudden...schlap. if you know anything about schlap, it's not hard hitting...just something gentle. it wakens you and you're aware of your surroundings...or in my case personal flaws that create this giant wall that i cannot get over with out help.

well i'm done for tonight, but i leave you with some great pictures:

you've just been schlapped.


bff's


clubbin' it up at rcktwn.


this is the brit i've been talking about.


poker face...


no ma'am.


the night life...at rcktwn


do you believe in magic?


eh...it's just hunter.


michael and ashley at starbucks.


watch out...i feel a schlap comming on....


eh?


feet from all over the world.