hey blogosphere,

i have no friends!

"That kind of myopic, 'it's all about me' vision, is the crippling by-product of not knowing who He is and who we are not"

Something occured to me while I was eating my turkey today. Not that I'm thankful for anything in particular, or even thankful in general. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful about loads of things, but that wasn't it. Not this thanksgiving.

I sat and I listened, I mean really listened, to my parents talk about their lives before they met each other and when they did meet each other. It was just weird.

Who thinks about their parents before they were married?

Mine didn't come into existence until my birth. Suddenly 2 adults and a two-year-old boy came into existence right when I was born. In fact, that's when the world started, I may add.

The history books? Not real. Other countries? Not real. Other states? Not real. Other cities? Not real. Other neighborhoods? Not real. Other houses? Not real.

Now I know they are actually real, but I live in the mindset that of course those things are real, but I never think about them as real. If they don't directly relate to me, that's just a sideshow as to what's going on in my life.

"Lately It Just Seems To Me"

like we've got the letters A.D.D.
branded into our mentality
we simply can't focus on anything

Maintain Consciousness | Relient K

Haven't blogged in 2 or three weeks, and a two post day?!
I know, the universe is upside down.

Lifegroups was a big help tonight.

Don't worry about your future. God has plans for you.
Do not brag about your future. You do not know those plans He has for you.
Pray and spend time with God, and He'll tell you.

My only problem is that I cannot focus.

I don't have a huge problem with trust.
I don't have a huge problem with having to know why.
I don't have a huge problem with rebelling.

I swear I have ADD or ADHD or sommat.

...which is daft.

What? Free Time?! Seriously.

Long time no blog.
I've been meaning to.
I just have a life now.
It's weird, I'm telling you.

The flight back from good ole Teesside (rather manchester since that's where we flew out of) was good. Pretty much slept the whole way. I miss everyone, but mainly I miss going into the schools and talking to the kids, and I miss the work. Sure it was tiring, but it was a good kind of tiring if ya know what I'm sayin'.

Life has not exactly slowed down.
Life has not exactly gotten any easier.
Life has not exactly become any kinder.
Life has punched me in the face.
I'm missing a few teeth and have a black eye.
Not really, but you know.

I'm enjoying life more now.
Taking time to enjoy the little things.
Talking to friends.
Hanging out with friends.
Sitting on the computer doing nothing.
Sitting and doing nothing.
It's beautiful.

My last post is the most emo thing I have ever read much less written. Good gracious.
Wow, a lot of life has happened since my last post.
Insane.
I need to update this thing.
Maybe a new template if I am ever extremely bored again.
Most likely not.
We'll see.

Depression

It sets.
One more day.
Sad.
Tomorrow will be good.
Still sad.
I will miss my friends.
My best friends.

:(

Teesside, England, UK.

Eat it, suckas.

Anyway, this trip has been better than last year even. I mean, it's a little more hectic, but it's easier to talk to people I already know people.

It's beautiful.

My host family is so cool. I really enjoy staying with them. In fact, I will be pretty sad to leave.

But really, I should be here next year, so it will be sad, but I will be back, and that should keep me from crying huge emo tears.

I am seriously not emo though.

Yes, it is 3:21 AM.

No, I am not going to sleep this morning.
Really?
Yes.
Crap.
See you tomorrow.
Totally.

The Hardest Part is Getting Started

Bring on the caffine.

Oh my God, I am going to England tomorrow. Tomorrow.

Dreams and Wishes

Are they supposed to be realistic or not?
If they are too realistic, they are no fun and easy to achieve.
If they are too fantastical, they fill your head with nonsense.

But what is the point in having a dream if it's realistic?
Is it safe to have a dream that's not?
What is the point in having a wish if it's not realistic?
Can you get lost in wishes.
Is it comforting or scary?

Do you believe in them?

Struggle!

"He must become greater; I must become less."
-John 3:30

"That kind of myopic, 'it's all about me' vision, is the crippling by-product of not knowing who He is and who we are not [...]"
-Louie Giglio

Sometimes I can be a real human and I make things about me. It's not about me. It's never been about me. I'm just a dot in the story line of the world. No one will remember me when I'm gone. I'm just a human. Sometimes I'm reminded about how much it's not about me and I feel like a real jerk.

It's like fighting a bear, and I always lose, and I end up with scratches on my face and a missing limb. It kinda sucks.

I Miss People.

I'm tired of working.
I'm tired of school.
I'm tired of cleaning.
I'm tired of boredom.
I'm tired of internet.
I'm tired of reading.
I'm tired of writing.
I'm tired of editing.
I'm tired of sitting.
I'm tired of painting.
I'm tired of procrastincating.
I'm tired of emailing.


I miss people.
I miss Kara.
I miss hanging out.
I miss Ashley.
I miss talking.
I miss Lizzy.
I miss faces.
I miss Micah.
I miss voices.
I miss Anna.
I miss jokes.
I miss Colby.
I miss stories.
I miss Allie.

I miss life.


I suppose I really have time. I just choose to spend it horribly.
I have a lot to say, but not enough time to say it.
I'll save it for another day.

God is Pretty Much Amazing

my england trip is paid for.

wait what?!

yes. yes it is.

Random

So yesterday was ten times better.
Except my art teacher got pissed at me.
But I don't really care.
My English teacher postponed our paper stuffs.
England is in 13 days.
That's pretty exciting.
I kind of have a lot of stress at the moment.
It's alright though because it eventually subsides.
Don't send out emails with random prayer requests of other people.
It's awkward.
Especially if you end with "Guess that's the scoop for now."
Seriously.

Just 15 More Days

I have a lot of English homework and it came out of no where. 3 days of research, a week later 4 paragraphs (a page or more per paragraph) are due friday and I still have crap-to-no sources. DUDE, WHAT THE HECK?!

When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, “I miss you son. Come home”
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was mine
The love I’d wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told so’s
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you

I So Hate Consequences | Relient K

"Well I Guess if You Say so I'll Have to Pack my Things and Go"

"Hit the Road Jack" | Ray Charles

It's a good feeling to just get something off of your chest. Honestly. It does.

I finally told my parents that God is calling me to do a gap year in England with All-Saint's. It definitely went better than I ever could have imagined.

After worship last night I told Amy-Jo that I wanted to tell my parents because I couldn't really keep it in any more and I needed to tell them before I went to England in 17 days. She helped me put together a mini packet of a letter composed by her, a couple of emails from the vicar, and a basically meaningless printout of the LAUNCH program web page. Surprisingly enough it helped me tell them, and it was something tangeable. Something to show them it wasn't a spur of the moment thing.

I took the long way home from church last night. I was too scared to tell them. I didn't know how I was going to do it, I didn't know how to do it. As soon as I walked out of the church building, the tears flooded down my face. It was something I knew I had to do and it was something I knew would change my life forever. I was scared to tell my parents. I was scared of dissapointment. I was scared of them saying no. I was scared of them saying yes.

All I could do was pray. It helped...for about fifteen minutes. Then it was D-Day.

I walk into the house. I say the usual "hello" and walk in to the kitchen to find some food. I see it but I'm to nauseous to attempt to even put food on a plate. I walk back into the living room.

"Can I talk to you guys?"
A collective yes follows.
"Can I turn the tv off?"
A collective uh, yea, glance at each other follows. This must be serious.
"I have something to tell you."
More glances.
"You love me no matter what, right?"
"Uhhhhhh...yeeeeea..."
"Well I've been trying to figure out how to tell you something for a while."
"What is it?"
(At this point mom completely dominates the conversation)
"Well I feel that God is calling me to do a gap year and (tears start flowing) in England and I don't know how you guys feel about that." as I hand mom the mini packet.

My dad calms me down and gives me a hug and tells me that this is a good thing. God has called me to do something and he will support me and not stand in my way. The worst thing I could do is not to follow it.
My mom on the other hand just stares at me for a good ten minutes not saying a word. I can see tears in her eyes. She finally says something, but of course it's negative. I will lose the Hope Scholarship by doing this.

I'm honestly fine with that.

Finally she starts talking and it's becoming more positive and she starts joking. That is the Kimsey family stamp of "I'm getting used to this."

So now I am in the process of filling out the Launch Gap Year application, the parents will be in the process of checking out visas and other odds and ends that need to be worried about. They have probably 9 months to help plan and pray. I have probably 9 months to plan, pray, and save. It's not going to be cheap.

I'm in the process of getting ready spiritually for this mission trip in 16 days and the gap year in less than a year. I know God wouldn't call me to do something I couldn't do. I'm not going to lie, I'm nervous. That's 10 months away from my parents in another country with weird food. It's not something that if anything goes wrong, "Oh well. I leave in a few days anyway." It's roughly 10 months for me to stick it out.

There's going to be a lot of trust put into God in the next couple of years. I'm going to have to embrace a buttload of humility as well. There's no way I could do any of this if I was even a little bit prideful. Something that I constantly deal with. I'm pretty sure pride is the stem of all my other flaws.

Yea so I'm sure that this house is going to hear millions of prayers from each person in the family. Good.

You can pray too. And by "You can pray too." I mean, pray for me.

AUTUMN

It's the first day of fall. My favorite season of the year.

Purging of My Life

So I went to the MTSU football game on thursday. It was a frickin' shut-out. Yea. Sarah enjoys going to school there I guess. It was fun to hang out with her and Curtis.

During the fourth quater, we went to find Colby, and I found him and got to talk to him about college and lack-there-of.

I just talked to Amy-jo today about this whole gap year, and she's going to help me find out more about it. And we were trying to think of how to tell the parents, and so she's going to help me a bit with that as well.

So far, everyone has supported me, so is that a good sign for the parental reaction? Who knows?

This afternoon my mom had a spa party; and now my hands, feet, face, and lips are all soft. And Kim Couch's mom came and asked me if I knew what college I wanted to go to. I just smiled and said no. Luckily the madre wasn't paying too much attention. I can feel the college talks comming on though. Any second...

I gave my testimony in front of the middle school this morning. Made mini Stumps (jessica) go first. It was pretty fun. I enjoyed it.

Micah and I hung out tuesday I think it was. This week has been pretty long, but that was a good highlight. It had been a while since I had talked to him, so that was quite the entertainment.

WELL, I am going to be late for work. Yay me.

THE END.

Awake and Dreaming

This is how excited I am. I took this pictures while talking to my friend, Matty. In 33 days I will get to see his face and everyone elses' that I miss. Just 33 days until we are in the schools and at the church (whichever it may be).

A lot's been going on. Nothing bad persay. But a lots been going on.

Senior year is proving itself to be good. Not much homework. Easy classes. And it's not like I took those classes to make my year easy. They just turned out that way.

I'm pretty dang sure that God is calling me to do a gap year over in the land I love so. I just wish he would tell my parents this. I don't know how or when to tell them. I don't want to endure a huge fight or anything. I don't want to feel like my mom is dissapointed in me. I don't want to feel like my dad thinks I am throwing my life away. I just want to do what God tells me to.

I've found out that it wouldn't even be that expensive. Besides the plane tickets, it would only be 15 pounds (around 30 dollars) a week for food. There are plenty of jobs that I could take to earn that. They would house me with a family, so really I wouldn't pay rent.

The good things about it as well are that it gives me time to plan what God wants me to do with my life, I will be doing mission work as well, colleges will be able to see a higher g.p.a. than what I have when I send in transcripts to colleges (not that mine is bad at all), and I can save for college while I am over there.

I think that I will do the gap year come home and go to college. I think I want to be a minister and I will most likely minor in graphic design.

I have good friends and I love them.

Kroger is the place to work.

Only 33 more days.

FRUSTRATION!

Romans 12:2
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

I'm frustrated.

Basket Cases and Fires

No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. That's just stupid.

So why would I light my lamp and then hide it under a basket? I'm not stupid.

Besides, I'm sure that if I left it under the basket long enough the basket would catch fire and the light would shine anyway. So why suppress the light that is lit and have itself painfully force it's way to be seen?